Unknowing Pyschosis
Sweet Immolation sparked a little bug in my head that has been covered in a heavy film of mucus the last couple of days. Though I have little to say at the moment, I hope this can at least serve as a spring board for other thoughts to light up in my head.
I'm still trying to figure this all out while trying to balance a Will and Way. I want to let go of everything. But as along as I feel tied to material things and debt, I don't know how to let go. As long as fear this crap, the longer it takes to get rid of it. And that's only part of my living paradox.
When I see people acting selfishly, or in a manner I find stupid, then I get on my high horse and start barking like some rapid dog. And nobody listens. Even if I try to go about an issue calmly, people remain stupid. For the first time in years this weekend, I was so frustrated at a situation that I actually had the words "I should just snuff it" go through my head. This feeling is componed by several stresses (feeling ill one of them) and in no way do I ever intend to do such a thing unless I can take several stupid people with me. But if I take them out the world would be a better place in my eyes and there would be no need to snuff myself.
Soya... I can't hear my muse today. Maybe she drowned in mucus and pixels. It's just the deamon shouting profanities again.
A Thought
All essay contests should have a separate category for War Vets who write about their experiences while in service or engaged in activities for our government.
To top it off...He ACCIDENTALLY submitted it to the fiction category. He won.
I do not know if I would have won had he entered into the correct category. It just seems so cliché to me. Young boy comes home from Iraq, enters essay contest relating his non-fiction experiences, and BAM!He wins.
I do care that he entered the wrong category, he should have entered the non-fiction category- His girlfriend tells me this. I do care that he won in the wrong category and even though going to Iraq and what have you - is not man enough to say- oops wrong category, I can't accept this.
Maybe he did and the judges where all -meh, no Bigie.
I just am saddened to know that no matter how good my essay was or how good I was told it was, it will NEVER be good enough to win over some toy soldiers story.
I'm almost out of cheese...
Midterm Update
Same as the first:
They are all stupid...
I rock...
It gets easier from here because standards are being lowered. (I was one of 3 people in my history class to get an A)
So ya...
I'm gonna go find some whiskey...or tequila.
Cathardic
My teeth keep tugging at my left lower lip, hoping to find the steele ring with which to gnash thoughts into. And then I scratch my nose and miss the gentle tug on my left nostril of the ring that once lived there through all of my colds, save for once, when the cold was so bad, I went through an entire box of tissue over the weekend.
This also reminds me that my wedding band broke in January. Which is not all that surprising, since it had broken once before and I have been carrying around a leather(and heavy) briefcase.
The band is made of 6 skinny bands that make a little knot at the front. My amber fell out the ring that was brought from France.
My sapphire fell out of it's band.
The only rings left are the two in my ear. And the opal ring I keep in a velvet box for special occasions.
I feel naked.
I feel alone.
The rings that adorned my face, were removed on Friday before I started my shift. I secured (so I thought) them in a square alcohol wipe package, and I swear I put said package in one of three places. A) The pocket of my olive carharts. B) the little blue pouch in my bag reserved for other things I stick in me; or C) the big pocket of my bag.
I haven't seen them since. On the plus side my bag got a thorough cleaning Saturday night.
I feel that I have come to a crossroads; and need to decide to buy new rings, or hope the old ones miraculously appear. But sometimes things look more like things then things themselves (Granny Weatherwax)and I should just leave well enough alone.
I just hope my lip can hold out and my lungs don't collapse under the inreased stress of needing my oral fix.
Chapel of Sacred Mirrors
Chapel of Sacred MirrorsIf you haven't experienced this artwork, please take the time to check out this site. If you have and haven't been to the site...the Chapel of Mirrors is now available to us. I guess I will need to travel to New York one more time.
Wicked Wanderings
Wicked Wanderings is kickin back with some history and Lit for a while. We are also heading into the Myth unit of my writing class, which excites me so much I need to drink beer to calm myself down enough that I may get to the papers I need to write for it. This girl is all smiles tonight as she hunkers down and prepares to get her elbows dirty with analytical thought and comparative musings.
So between modernism, general Lit and a whole lotta metaphor, I bid you good eve and I'll be back with some musings on my reasons for taking this heroic journey.
By the by... did I mention that I had my first essay of the writing class nominated for the Kellog awards? I will know the outcome at the end of May. I don't really see myself winning, just that I have been nominated me makes me feel all glowy inside.. o wait maybe I've been drinking my Abbot to fast.
Who knew college would turn me into an on again, off again alcholic?
Thanks for not warning me.
